Say No

Saying no to distractions is important to achieve your goals, but often difficult for us. Saying no is an art. Saying no to distractions is synonym to strongly protecting your goals. Let’s see why and how to Say No politely.

Why to Say No?

As we discussed in Eisenhower Matrix, we must Say No to quarter 4 tasks. Even for Quarter 3 tasks, we must Say No or delegate them.

An obvious question is, why to Say No to quarter 4 and probably quarter 3 tasks? To protect your quarter 1 and quarter 2 tasks. Quarter 1 have urgency attached to it so it is mostly safe but Quarter 2, which mostly represent our goals, is most vulnerable against quarter 3 and 4.

To achieve our long-term goals, we must Say No to the distraction tasks.

Some other important questions:

Okay, so we probably agree to Say No to distraction. Now there are few important question:

• What are distraction tasks? This also translates to
  • What tasks should we Say No to?
  • When should we Say No?
• Can we Say No to all distractions?
• Why we can’t Say No?
• Most important, How to Say No?

What are distraction tasks?

Before we understand distraction tasks well, we must understand the difference between [[Goal vs Task]]. In short, a Goal is something that fulfil your life goal.

Is copy-pasting data in excel for your boss is your life goal? No, it must be a task.

A task is any item in your To Do list. It may or may not align with our life goal.

Anything that stop or delay our life goals, are distraction tasks.

Tasks that align with your goals, are (part of) goals. Tasks that do not align with your goal is a task.

Any task, that do not align with your goal, is a distraction.

Can we Say No to all distractions?

Unfortunately, we can’t Say No to all distractions. For example, your boss said something to you, which is not your responsibility, can you Say No to your boss? Well, you can, we will discuss it in details under section How to Say No. However, we always can’t Say No to boss because keeping good relation with your boss is part of your professional goals.

Since we can’t completely avoid distractions, our focus should be to minimize them.

Why we can’t Say No?

Well, we understand that we must Say No to distractions but is it easy? If you feel it is not easy or possible, you are not alone. We all face this issue.

Before we find solution, let’s understand the problem; Why we can't say No?

We can’t say no to distraction tasks because they (falsely) seems important to achieve our secondary goal.

We can’t say no to distraction tasks because they (falsely) seem important to achieve our secondary goal. That secondary goal could be social pressure, bosses’ pressure, relation pressure etc. Some examples:

At work

One of our life goal is to be financially independent. Our job is crucial for that and thus, becomes a part of your life goals.

Now assume, your boss asks you to prepare an excel report for him. It is urgent task for him and he delegated it to you.

If you are not working as his/her personal assistant, is copy-pasting data in excel for your boss is your life goal?

Your Job is a life goal, but your job is defined by your [Key Performance Indicators]. If that task does not relate to your KPI, it is distraction. But can you say no to the boss?

At home

If we are married, we must help our spouse. Even if we are not married, we must help our parents, and siblings in household chores.

Your family is more important than most other things and must be very high in the priority order. Keeping them safe and happy should be one of our life goals. However, we must also understand, they are not always on life threatening risks.

Having said that, say your spouse/parents/siblings ask you to go to market and get something to help them. Is it a distraction? Is it easy to say no?

There is a thin line and this is where [[Impact vs Effort matrix]] could help. What are you currently doing? If you are doing quadrant 4 job, like watching television, leave it and go to market; no excuse allowed here. However, if you are doing quadrants 1 or 2 task, with a short deadline, Say No with the reason.

At society, among friends and relatives, etc.

I’m not at all suggesting that society, friends, and relatives are not important but are they important enough to sacrifice your life goals?

We generally can’t say no to our neighbors who always help us, or our childhood and close friend asking to have some fun time, or some close relative asking for help.

Have some time for your social circle in your calendar but it must be limited and occasional, not a significant time daily. More important, it must not clash with any other important task or deadline. If it frequent or clash with your goals, Say No politely with reasons.

How to Say No?

One of the reasons we find it difficult to Say No is that we feel it is rude, bad, unhelpful, or may be even unethical. It is not.

Say it clearly

If someone needs your help, they will persist. We don’t want to drag conversation. Our message should not be rude. must be clear.

Note, here is tone and pitch matters. Same words, in different tone and pitch, can mean different meaning. While saying no, our voice must be calm and normal. High pitch and loud voice can be rude, not the words.

• Hey sorry, but I don’t know.
  • Persistent/difficult people may say, can you read these article/mails or watch meeting recording to understand?

Give some short explanation

We must understand whom we are saying no to. For such people, may be give short but undeniable reason.

• Hey sorry, but I’ve to finish my task, I’ve strict deadline.

Remember, explanation must be short.

Delegate it to someone else

• Hey I’m a bit stuck but may be Ram might help you.

Delay it till your unproductive time.

We must protect our [[Deep Work]] or [[Time Boxing]]. There are times, you are supposed to help but can’t do it right now.

Example: some intern/team member on your project is blocked or your kids need help in their homework/school project. In such condition, we can give them specific time.

• Hey, I’ve to finish that task urgently, we will connect and check at 4 pm?

Ask the priority/time extension

This mainly works n the professional environment. We must know our KPI. If your senior assign you a task, you can tell them the impact on your current task and politely ask what is the priority (And also time extension on current task)

May be/get back later

This could better apply when your friend/relative ask you for some event. If you are not sure, just ask time to think before committing.

• I’m not sure what my schedule that day. Please allow me some time, I’ll get back.
• I’ll try my best but may be there could be some client visit in office during same day.

Whenever you ask for time, make sure you get back to them with your decision.

Straight forward NO!

Last but not least, there are times when straight forward No is best option. We think a lot about consequences or social image.

Consider who is making the request. Do you really need appease them?

The key to happiness is accepting that not everyone will be happy with your choices. As long as you’re doing what’s best for you, that’s all that matters.

– Unknown/multiple sources

Few people are important in life, but not everyone. Don’t sacrifice your goals just to keep someone happy.

If you live for people’s acceptance, you’ll die from their rejection

– Lecrae

Conclusion

There is no silver bullet or one way of saying no. You can Say No straight forward, diplomatically with reasons, with affection, with authority, with excuses, or anyway it fits in context.

Main point is, You have to Say No to quadrant 4 tasks, to protect your time for your main goals. If it means following apathy, being brutal, getting criticized, etc., so be it. You need not to work (or forget your goals) for someone’s acceptance, or to appease someone.

There are some bonus quotes to keep reminding us that.

Read more

This note is a part of Life PowerUser series. If this note is useful and you like to go through whole series, I’ll highly recommend to checkout our my free series on Life PowerUser.